Finding My Own Gender Identity

I grew up as the littlest sister in a family of three. My older sibling Aren came along a couple of years before me, and I looked up to Aren in every way. I had the typical little sister syndrome. I wanted to act, look and be like Aren. Aren played softball so I did. Aren agreed with the Democratic Party so I did, and so on. 

When Aren went to high school, and I was still in Junior High, Aren left the house before me, and because of after school activities, Aren came home after me. So every day, I would raid Aren’s closet. And I would wear Aren’s jeans and shirts to school. I remember being three inches shorter and a little stouter, but sliding those clothes on after Aren left each day and off again before Aren came home. 

In college, when I met my husband, neither of us dressed very fashionably. I wore flannel or plaid shirts most days with cargo pants, while he had tape holding his glasses together. Over the years, he started wearing glasses without tape, and I discovered that I liked heels and pink, a lot. And now, we both tease each other constantly about the tomboy he met, and the complete nerd I met. I’d never put much thought into what changed inside of me, although my husband often asks me what made me stop dressing in flannel. 

That is until recently, when Aren came to visit my family, and I finally confessed to Aren that when Aren was at school, I stole Aren’s clothes. And I explained to Aren how much I do and have always looked up to Aren. Then, in an instant, my whole view of myself changed. I had the realization that for most of my life until my 20s, I based my own gender identity on my transgender older sibling’s. I spent my life dressing and looking to fashion advice from Aren, and Aren didn’t identify as female. 

And so, somewhere in our 20s, Aren realized that Aren didn’t identify as female, and I realized that I did. Here we were, each on our own, allowed to finally decide for ourselves what we felt like inside. Aren’s insides screamed one thing, and mine screamed very loudly, “Pink, I love pink! Put me in pink heels, please!”

***This story was originally posted anonymously on the blog Genderqueer Chicago.  At that time, I changed my sibling's name to protect my sibling's identity.  I, of course, asked permission of both my sibling and Genderqueer Chicago before reposting this story here today.***

The Supreme Court, Marriage Equality, DOMA and Our Awesome Kids

Today, the kids and I ventured back to the united for marriage rally outside of the Supreme Court as the court listened to the oral arguments in the United States v. Windsor case which asserts that the Defense of Marriage Act is discriminatory.  But you already probably know about that.  Our family was there to stand up for equality, fairness and love.  Those are real family values. 

A nice older couple took a photo for me of the kids and me on my phone, and they asked me if it was okay that Noah didn't want to look at the camera.  "It's fine, I just want him to be in the picture so when he knows we supported equality together as a family."  They paused, then looked at each other and one of the men said, "I wish our parents thought like you."  So many people thanked us for being at the rally.  It broke my heart when people younger and older than me came up and thanked me for being a loving mother and told me they wished their own parents supported them and who they love.  As parents, our job is to love our children and to show them we love them, we love others and we stand on the side of justice and equality, for them and everyone else.

 

Prop 8, the Supreme Court and My Awesome Little Activists

Today, a few reporters asked me why I had Noah and Maya at the rally outside of the Supreme Court.  It's simple. One day, maybe a year from now, maybe 10, maybe 20, Noah and Maya will evaluate the job Ash and I have done as parents.  We may never be perfect parents, but we will be able to answer when they ask, "Mom, Dad, when LGBT people in this country weren't treated equally, what did you do?" with so much more than a simple answer.  We will say, "Come, take a look at what you did to stand up for equality."  

Today, our awesome children were outside the Supreme Court standing up for marriage equality as the highest court in our country heard arguments about the constitutionality of Propisition 8 in California.  Noah, Maya, please come take a look at what you did today outside of the Supreme Court.  Your faces and presence brought so many smiles to folks in the crowd.  The love you share with the world is proof that all families do not have to look the same to love the same.  At the end of the day, whether you have one mom and one dad or two moms or two dads or one mom or one dad or one grandma or two grandparents or one adult or two adults raising you, what matters is that love makes a family.

  

 

Moms Who Love...

Today, I googled, "Moms who..." and think, need wine, hate their own children and work from home popped up.  So I typed in "Moms who love..." and the google page was blank.  

This is for the moms who love...

Their children.  Even on the toughest of days. Maybe more on the toughest of days.

Warm sunny days when the light shines in your window and makes everything glow.

Drinking ice cold water when they need a break.

Bedtime stories with tiny feet lightly kicking in and out of sync.

That minute just after your child falls asleep and their breathing goes from quick to slower and you can feel their calm peace. 

Rolling down hills in the dirt because you're never too old to have a little fun.

Taking time alone to drink a cup of coffee, listen to a good song, read a book or sit in peace.

Being moms.

Ryan Gosling's "Hey Girl" even though they know Ryan Gosling never says, "Hey Girl" in real life. 

Who they are even when who they are is messy, tired and totally confused. 

Teaching, laughing and learning from their children every day.

Living, breathing and enjoying the little moments with their favorite little people.

Parenting: It Gets Funnier

Congratulations - you are a mom! First and foremost, you are awesome. You probably deserve a mother of the year award, but chances are, you will not not receive one. Or if you do, it will likely be from a spam site that is trying to steal your social security number.

There are a million variations of parenting and loving that you will discover over the coming months and years. They are all wrong. There is an academic journal article that will discredit every choice you make. And every correction you might consider making. You are Facebook friends with the only person who has ever read these obscure articles. Trust your instincts. Sometimes you will know the exact right thing to do. Other times, not so much. Be ready to mess up and own up, a lot. I once called the pediatrician after I dropped a camera on my newborn's head. I could barely speak, I was crying so hard. The doctor stopped me, "Mrs. Llorens, Noah isn't crying. I only hear you crying."

Here is the best parenting advice you will ever receive from a mom (with two data points, thus making her an expert):

1. You're going to get pooped and peed on. It will not be funny in the moment but I promise: the memory will get funnier and funnier over time. My son once peed onto his own face moments after I thought to myself: "I've totally got this." Scrambling to do something about it, I shot breastmilk all over our couch because I was new to breastfeeding and forgot my breast was out. I cried at the time. Now? Hilarious.

2. It will get funnier with time. Even colic can be funny a few years off. My first born cried from 8-12 or 1 am for about 7 weeks straight. It sucked, but I repeated over and over "You are loved, you are safe" (to myself?), cuddling him while he screamed his head off. I can't help but giggle thinking about all of the parental acrobatics suggested by the happiest baby on the block techniques, which failed spectacularly. I am pretty sure I googled "Can my baby go deaf from sushing?" more than once.

3. Stay away from competitive moms. You'll recognize them by their ability to simultaneously be happier and more miserable than you. Their kids are either way more difficult or way more awesome than yours, depending on the Facebook comment they are responding to. Their partner is either Dad of the Year or doesn't help at all, depending on the gush or complaint being volleyed. They love percentiles from their doctor's office. Run. Do not engage. Their kid will eventually eat their own shit too. Or at least "taste" it.

4. Some moms have it way more together than you. You'll just have to deal with that one.

5. If you breastfeed, at some point you will forget your boob is out in public after your baby finishes. On a roadtrip to New York when my son was 9 months old, I nursed him in the car before heading in to a rest stop to pee. I caught a glimpse of myself in the window of another car and realized that my left boob was completely out of my shirt. People will be nicer about your boob hanging out than they will be about breastfeeding your hungry infant.

6. Ask for help. People are totally willing to help.

7. Don't ask for help. People are not good at helping.

8. Make fun of people that judge your parenting choices. Preferably to their face, but behind their back, if you must. More times than not, judgmental people are just insecure with their own choices. This is your gig. Do it with your own flair.

9. It is okay to feel like your child/children are the most beautiful children in the world. It is also okay that it isn't true.

10. Some Starbucks locations have drive-thrus. They were invented for moms. If the baristas at Starbucks don't know your order upon hearing your voice in the drive-thru, you're not doing it right.

11. It gets better. Like any other job, you'll get better at parenting as you go along. And whatever weird/obnoxious thing your kid is doing: this too shall pass. One day you'll wake up and they'll be on to the next weird/obnoxious thing (probably right after you figure out how to deal with that last one, but hey). The lows will be close to rock bottom, but the highs will be higher than you imagined.

12. Switch it up. Skip the bedtime routine sometimes and take them out for ice cream instead. We went through a rough patch with our son when he was two years old where it would sometimes take him hours to finally go to sleep. One night, with my husband away on work travel, I made a random decision to ditch the bedtime routine and take our wired toddler out to a local custard place. We laughed, ate a little bit and then he fell asleep on the car ride home. It is one of the moments I am most proud of as a mother. I won all around, and I got to eat ice cream!

13. When all else fails, sing "The Greatest Love of All" at the top of your lungs to your children. They will love it. Or they won't but it is almost impossible not to enjoy each moment when you are channeling your inner Whitney Houston.

Follow these easy steps and you too can dub yourself a Professional Mom. Now that you're a pro, you'll be surprised at how easy it is to laugh at all those amateur mistakes you're still making.