Wordless Wednesday: To My Daughter

If I could bottle up your laughter and love now to give you when your heart gets broken or you fail at something or the world disappoints you I would.

Not Perfect

Today, I woke up in the funk I've been in for most of the week. I couldn't put my finger on what was bothering me, and so I decided to do what I always do when I need a pick me up. I baked a cake.

But not just any cake. I'd been thinking about the cake I made today for a few days, and I picked up the ingredients for it last night.

I decided to make a Martha Stewart White Layer Cake with Lemon Curd Filling and to top it with homemade Raspberry frosting.

Since I have two small children, this cake took me all day to make. I started off by making the curd in the morning. It looked glorious, and then I tasted it. I almost spit it out, it was so sour. Then, after an ingredient check, I realized I'd left out 11 of the 12 tablespoons of sugar the recipe called for. Oops. So I did what any culinary genius would do, I added it, right then and there. I figured, after zesting lemons and squeezing fresh juice out of 4 lemons, it was this curd or nothing.

While I set the curd in the fridge, I put together lunch for Noah and me in a little cooler to bring on a playdate we had scheduled with a friend of his. We went to the playdate, ate lunch and came back home and started on the cake. Noah wanted the cake to be done, so he lost interest for a while and played with some of his action figures while I frantically whipped the cake batter together or well gently folded in 8 fluffy egg whites.

The batter looked really good when it was done so I had a feeling the cake was going to turn out well.

I took the cakes out when I began to really smell them. Every time I smell a cake enough to think it will taste good, it means it is time for the cake to come out of the oven regardless of what the clock is telling me.

I pulled the cake out and then whipped up a raspberry frosting from a strawberry frosting recipe a friend from Junior High sent to me to use (Thanks Casey!)

At this point, I'd tasted the curd and it was delicious, I'd tasted the cake when I leveled it off, and I tasted the frosting. Each of them was delicious. So I followed the Martha Stewart recommendation to use a pastry bag (who knew I had those sitting around in my baking cabinet) to pipe frosting around the bottom layer of the cake before putting the curd in so it wouldn't seep out.

And here my friend's is where things got real. I piped the frosting. It looked really pretty so I said to myself, "I should do this on the whole cake it's so pretty!" As I said that I realized that both my children were digging into the frosting. Noah eating one side and Maya (who is not yet six months old) eating the other. Both were scooping their hands to their mouths so fast, I couldn't believe it. Next thing I knew curd was streaming out through the breaks in the barrier created by my children.

Maya licking frosting

I had this moment, and it was only a moment, where I broke down without crying. Where I said, "Why did you think you had to be Martha Stewart?" Why do you have to push yourself so hard to do it all? Why can't taking really good care of two children be enough without making yourself prove you can do more? It wasn't even long enough to say all that. But that was the gist of it. I'd been pushing myself so hard for the last five and half months to prove to myself I can do it all. My husband came back last week after being out of town for two weeks, during that time, I cooked dinner while we were home (sometimes one for me one for the toddler) and I took the kids alone to and from Chicago without anyone to help me pack or pick us up or drop us off at BWI. I'd been trying too hard to make sure I could do everything. For what?

The kids were laughing and making sucking sounds. They were so happy that I baked a cake with a toddler at my feet and a baby on my hip. All they wanted was to eat the raspberry frosting with their fingers. They didn't care that there was lemon curd all over the table or that the frosting barrier failed. They were having fun with me just like we do all day every day. Minus a few tantrums (the toddler or me) here or there.

Noah frosting the cake

I called my husband at work and let him know that the cake was a failure, the barrier broke, but that I'd fixed it with frosting and we put it in the fridge for after dinner. I let him know that I realized I don't have to be perfect and that I'd been trying too hard to be. I was laughing, the kids were laughing. That's all I cared about.

Later, when I went to take the cake out of the fridge, I realized it wasn't really that ugly. It looked pretty good actually. And when I took a bite of it, it literally took my breath away. The cake is amazing. Everything about it tasted delicious. The cake, the curd, the frosting. It was perfect, even though I'd written it off and accepted that it didn't need to be.

I Need A Little Help From My Friends

Sound familiar?  Back in August of 2010 when Noah was a little over a year old, I shamelessly asked for support while I tried to get back to my pre-children and pre-working in DC weight.  

Here I am again in May 2012 begging you for the same thing.  

I'm about to partake on what I've been calling the 40 lb weightloss challenge in my head all weekend.  I'm not positive I need to lose 40 lbs, and I'm not positive what I weigh right now because for the first time in my life, I'm afraid to step on the scale.  The last time I did a couple of months ago, I was horrified to find that I was three months post-baby and up a pound from the day I gave birth to Maya.  Maya's five months old now, getting ready to add solid foods, and I'm ready to get going on my new plan.

Something has to change

I had gestational diabetes when I was pregnant with Noah.  While I managed to avoid it during my pregnancy with Maya, I know that I'm at a greater risk for developing type 2 diabetes because I had gestational diabetes.  And I have a very large family history of it.  For my own health, I need to start prioritizing myself.  I need to lower my stress level, start eating better (or maybe just managing my portions) and exercising.  

Things I'm willing to do

Exercise.  I need to start putting aside time for myself to exercise.  This time around, I've found it harder to take the long cardio walks I had the luxury of taking when Noah was small.  The kids hardly ever fall asleep at the same time, and when Noah's awake he's not as interested in being pushed around for a really long time.  It makes perfect sense, and I do a great job of making sure Noah is active and the kids have fun activities planned, but I don't take much (if any) time for myself.  That has to change now.  My current plan is to either walk (maybe jog eventually) on the treadmill with a combination of the slim in 6 series and/or Tracy Anderson's Post Pregnancy workout.  All of those things have lead to successful routine's of weight management and/or weightloss in the past for me.

Portion control.  I cook almost every night at dinner time, often at breakfast too, and sometimes at lunch.  I make a lot of healthy foods, but sometimes I eat about 3 or 4 times what I probably should be eating.  That has to stop.  I can't keep stuffing myself until I feel too full to move.  

I'll ask for help.  I tend to want to do things on my own as much as possible.  Ash has had a lot of work travel and during the times I'm here alone with the kids, I have never reached out to anyone else to take the kids for an hour or two.  I manage to cook, do minimal cleaning, bathe the kids, feed the kids and care for them 24/7 alone when he travels.  I need a break sometimes.  I need to let myself take one or two or a few.

 Things I'm not willing to do

 I'm not willing to be a slave to the scale.  While I'm calling this the 40 pound weightloss challenge in my head, I'm not really looking for a specific number on the scale.  I am looking for a feeling and a size that makes sense for my body.  If I weigh a pound more than I did the day Maya was born a few months from now but I feel and look healthier, I'll call that a success.

I'm not willing to hurt my body.  I'm breastfeeding Maya right now, and I am not willing to lower my calories such that I deprive myself or my baby of nutrients we need.  I know Maya will get what she needs, but I want to make sure I'm not sending toxins out into her body through my milk.

I'm not willing to give up Oreos.  I'll cut back significantly on my Oreo intake, but I know that I'll never be happy or successful if I don't allow myself to live a little.  Having a smaller portion less often will mean I don't binge on Oreos after depriving myself of calories I need.

Help me?  

I can't do this alone.  Let me know you're out there supporting me.  That you're going to cheer me on when I'm successful, lift me up when I fall off the getting healthy wagon or just support me for doing something that is important for my health and to me.  I want to be around a long time for Noah and Maya, and I want to make sure we spend that time doing fun, healthy things for all of us.

Flying Alone with Children

When I found out my husband had a two week long work trip coming up, I decided it would be a good opportunity to bring our kids to Chicago for a week to visit with family.

I'm a seasoned flier and so is Noah, but the baby hadn't been on a flight yet. I figured what is the worst thing that could happen?

Here are some things I learned about traveling with a 2.75 year old and a 5 month old and things that helped me stay level headed.

1. If you are solo parenting for a week before the trip factor in extra time for how long it will take to pack and get the kids organized when you are extra exhausted.

2. Grab an ice pack before you head out the door. My toddler tumbled off of our front step because he was so excited he jumped. I lost time running in the house to get the ice pack he demanded for his butt.

3. You'll have to walk farther than you practiced in your living room with all of the luggage and children attached to you.

4. United may try to seat your 2 year old away from you twice. They may be hoping you'll pay to upgrade your seats.

5. If you are not afraid of flying and can handle your children on the ground it will not be different in the air. Children are like sponges and feed off of our feelings.

6. The pressure on the plane changes before take off. If you wait until a child is crying because of it it's probably too late.

7. You've handled toddler melt downs. You can try to avoid them but they may accompany you on the plane. Embrace it when it happens. It will end.

8. Both children will fall asleep during landing so you have to carry two kids off at the same time.

9. It is possible to wear a baby, push a toddler, carry a car seat on your back, a diaper bag on your arm and wheel your bag. Let other people carry your bags on and off the airport shuttle if they offer.

10. Practicing having your toddler hand things to cashiers at Target and the grocery store is good practice for when they have to give up their favorite toy for TSA to scan.

I made everything fun. From taking off our shoes for TSA and having Noah's favorite Iron Man protect them to turning off the DVD player before landing. Games and fake competitions kept my toddler engaged.

TSA and the man next to us complimented me as a mother. It wasn't as scary as I'd imagined.

But it was physically hard.

Buy 1 Ticket on United Get to Babysit a Two Year Old Free

What that doesn't sound like a good deal to you?

On Tuesday, I flew from Baltimore to Chicago with my two small children (ages 2, and 5 months) on my own.

I asked to be seated with my toddler when I made my reservation and was told I'd need to ask at ticketing because 2 year olds can't fly alone. When we got to the airport after I pushed my two year old in a stroller, wore my baby in an Ergo baby carrier, strapped a carseat to my back, rolled luggage and carried my diaper bag, the employee at United who handled our ticketing was rude. She didn't want to help us (or the man next to us). I smiled and asked to make sure our seats were together. She took a really long time to get our tickets then realized she hadn't checked to see if we were together and handed me the tickets as she told me to get them changed at the gate when I picked up a stroller tag. It took so long that by the time we got through security, I had to sort of run with one child in the stroller and the other in the baby carrier. When I got to the desk the employees didn't acknowledge me until one asked if we needed a stroller tag.

I said yes and that we needed our seats to be changed. They told me they couldn't and that I'd have to see the flight attendants for help.

As we boarded the plane I approached to flight attendants and said, "I need your help, my two year old and I are not seated together." They laughed and said if I could get someone to change seats we could sit together and that my two year old could sit alone.

I walked down the aisle behind my two year old and my eyes began to fill with tears imagining how scared he'd be if he had to sit alone. I started to cry and by the time we reached the aisle of our first seat 32A which was 4 aisles away from our other seat in 36B and a woman in 31C asked how she could help. I asked the man in 32B if he would switch with us and he did.

But United was content with a stranger paying money to babysit my two year old. My two year old that can wiggle out of his car seat harness, who runs faster than anyone I know. My two year old that's adorable and precocious and who knows creative ways of asking why, who, how, what, and where.

So if you want to buy one airline ticket and get a chance to babysit a stranger's active, scared, overtired two year old definitely fly United. They are happy to offer your free services.

Me? I'll fly any flights I've already paid for but short of an apology and a promise other families won't have to be separated from toddlers, I won't get suckered into their bogus deal. And I plan to follow up with United and my congresspeople to see why there aren't safety regulations and protections for our nation's littlest flyers. Join me?