Finding My Own Gender Identity

I grew up as the littlest sister in a family of three. My older sibling Aren came along a couple of years before me, and I looked up to Aren in every way. I had the typical little sister syndrome. I wanted to act, look and be like Aren. Aren played softball so I did. Aren agreed with the Democratic Party so I did, and so on. 

When Aren went to high school, and I was still in Junior High, Aren left the house before me, and because of after school activities, Aren came home after me. So every day, I would raid Aren’s closet. And I would wear Aren’s jeans and shirts to school. I remember being three inches shorter and a little stouter, but sliding those clothes on after Aren left each day and off again before Aren came home. 

In college, when I met my husband, neither of us dressed very fashionably. I wore flannel or plaid shirts most days with cargo pants, while he had tape holding his glasses together. Over the years, he started wearing glasses without tape, and I discovered that I liked heels and pink, a lot. And now, we both tease each other constantly about the tomboy he met, and the complete nerd I met. I’d never put much thought into what changed inside of me, although my husband often asks me what made me stop dressing in flannel. 

That is until recently, when Aren came to visit my family, and I finally confessed to Aren that when Aren was at school, I stole Aren’s clothes. And I explained to Aren how much I do and have always looked up to Aren. Then, in an instant, my whole view of myself changed. I had the realization that for most of my life until my 20s, I based my own gender identity on my transgender older sibling’s. I spent my life dressing and looking to fashion advice from Aren, and Aren didn’t identify as female. 

And so, somewhere in our 20s, Aren realized that Aren didn’t identify as female, and I realized that I did. Here we were, each on our own, allowed to finally decide for ourselves what we felt like inside. Aren’s insides screamed one thing, and mine screamed very loudly, “Pink, I love pink! Put me in pink heels, please!”

***This story was originally posted anonymously on the blog Genderqueer Chicago.  At that time, I changed my sibling's name to protect my sibling's identity.  I, of course, asked permission of both my sibling and Genderqueer Chicago before reposting this story here today.***

The Supreme Court, Marriage Equality, DOMA and Our Awesome Kids

Today, the kids and I ventured back to the united for marriage rally outside of the Supreme Court as the court listened to the oral arguments in the United States v. Windsor case which asserts that the Defense of Marriage Act is discriminatory.  But you already probably know about that.  Our family was there to stand up for equality, fairness and love.  Those are real family values. 

A nice older couple took a photo for me of the kids and me on my phone, and they asked me if it was okay that Noah didn't want to look at the camera.  "It's fine, I just want him to be in the picture so when he knows we supported equality together as a family."  They paused, then looked at each other and one of the men said, "I wish our parents thought like you."  So many people thanked us for being at the rally.  It broke my heart when people younger and older than me came up and thanked me for being a loving mother and told me they wished their own parents supported them and who they love.  As parents, our job is to love our children and to show them we love them, we love others and we stand on the side of justice and equality, for them and everyone else.

 

Noah's Special Valentine

Noah's class does a Secret Valentine similar to the idea of a Secret Santa. The only parameters are the Valentine has to be homemade, you may only give one to the name you picked and it cannot include candy.

Noah happened to pick his dear friend, Gioia. He decided she would want a heart-shaped suncatcher similar to ones we made for our own kitchen window a couple of weeks ago. We cut up crayons to make shavings to put between wax paper then I melted it with the iron. Noah did some cutting, gluing of the Valentine, gluing of his hands and then finished the Valentine by decorating it with lots of pretty glitter glue.

When he was finished, I told him to think about what he might want me to write on the other side of it when it dries.

He paused then said, "When I think of Gioia, I think of love. Can we write that, Mom?"

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! I hope you all have someone in your life that thinks of love when they think of you.

(For sites with step-by-step tutorials on suncatcher crafts check out Martha Stewart and thebarefootmom.) 

Bringing the Magic of the Polar Express Home

Two days ago, the kids and I finally ventured to buy tickets to a local Polar Express event.  For some reason, in 2012, the event required tickets to be purchased in person with check or cash.  I'd been meaning to stop by and grab tickets for a long time, but the logistics of a random stop with two small children to purchase tickets somewhere where I'd just have to chase my two active kiddos around meant I didn't rush to do it.  My procrastination meant I showed up with my two excited children at 5 pm the night before the event and all of the tickets were sold out.  Noah cried.  As a family, we'd talked about the magical night we were going to have.  Somewhere in the chaos and heart break, I promised I'd put together an amazing Polar Express night at home.

Yesterday, while Noah attended preschool, Maya and I headed out to buy ingredients for hot chocolate.  I decided I wanted to decorate our front door so that Noah would be excited and have a little preview of what our night was going to hold.  I googled 'Polar Express Door' and this google image came up so it was my inspiration.  After I made the door, my mind went wild.  I decided we'd have to make a train schedule for the day.  I set up six train stops: Dinner, Story time, A walk to Candy Cane Lane, Making hot chocolate and popcorn, Rides, and Movie time.  Things took off.  Before I knew it, I'd make the schedule and started writing out signs to put up in each room that we'd need to head to for the coorelating event.  Then, I decided to make train tracks on the ground at each stop so the kids would have something to be excited about.  I took some painter's tape out of laundry room and with Noah's help, I laid out the tracks.  

I cannot express with words the amount of magic, love and happiness that filled our house last night.  Everything about the night went better than I expected.  The kids were incredibly good sports the entire night.  We rushed to meet Ash outside when he got home from work, and I handed each person their ticket to the Llorens Polar Express.  The kids were giggling and squealing the whole night.  Ash and I had smiles permanently adorning our faces. 

Dinner and story time went well.  Then when it was time for the walk to Candy Cane lane, I showed Ash and Noah some Christmas light necklaces we had and the 'conductor hat' which was a headband with reindeer ears with a flashlight attached.  Maya and Ash took the necklaces and Noah took the flashlight so he could be our leader.  Candy Cane lane was our neighbor's house that has a ton of decorations and a walkway that is lined with beautiful Candy Cane shaped lights.  Noah loved taking a walk at night and Maya laughed and squealed the entire time.  While we were out, Santa left Noah a magic wish box.  The box was red and empty inside.  The idea is you open the box and make a Christmas wish.  Santa had known that Noah wanted a wish box and that he wanted to wish for a red light up star baton he could use for conducting at home.  

When we returned from our walk, Noah saw the box and yelled, "It's a magic wish box!"  Even though he's the one that told us about it, he was a little disappointed it was empty.  We had a moment where we had to have him close his eyes and then a red baton for him and an extra baton for Maya magically appeared.  After that Ash and the kids played in the living room and I made homemade hot chocolate and popped some popcorn on our stove top.  

 Everyone loved the night, and we were all so happy and tired that we didn't even turn the movie on.  Both kids fell asleep happy.

This morning, I asked Noah if he enjoyed going to the Polar Express.  He looked up at me smiling and said, "Mom, we didn't go to the Polar Express!"

A little caught off guard, I asked, "What did we do last night then?"

He looked up, his eyes wide with wonder, and said, "Mom, we played a fun game."

Grateful Tonight

When I look at my children, I am constantly reminded of how lucky I am.  I met the man of my dreams at 19, and with open hearts and no real game plan, we began building the life we have together.  We had no idea if we'd be a couple for a year or 50, but we knew that we related to each other on a level neither of us had ever related to anyone.  The first night we talked we stayed up 4 am telling each other every secret we had.  Both of us opened up with things we never knew we'd share with another person.  I remember every moment of falling in love, struggling through tough times, taking our vows and bringing our children into the world.

I remember the early years of our relationship, when as an interracial couple, we found out the hard way that not everyone approved of our love because my husband is black and I am white.  I remember that for the most part, when we places in our early years, we encountered so many loving people.  From a random man that shouted out the window, "The Lord will bless you if you marry that girl" to the older couple who bought us dessert at Old Ebbitt Grill on July 4, 2002 because they loved overhearing us discuss politics.  Some people didn't approve of us dating.  Some people didn't approve of our marriage.  Some people don't approve of our family.  But at the end of the day, we don't need their approval to love each other, love our children and to be a strong, close-knit family.  Our marriage, our children, our lives together are protected by the law.  We are legally married, and we are afforded certain financial and physical protections because of that.